Helping Your Kids Enjoy the Holidays With Only One Parent

NOTE: Today’s post was written by guest blogger and single mom, Alex Hall.

 

The holidays have arrived, and normally your kids would be delirious with excitement, chatting about the presents they hope to receive and upcoming holiday parties they plan to attend.

But this year is different. You’re recently single, and the holidays will never be the same again.

Whether due to a death or divorce, the entire family is still grieving. Suddenly everything seems uncertain and strange. How can you help your children move past the pain so they can fully embrace the holidays? Here are 4 easy tips to help.

 

Don’t Celebrate at Warp-Speed

You may think that since your kids are sad, you need to shower them with expensive gifts and go to every holiday event in your community. That’s not necessary or even helpful.

Instead of focusing on material things and constantly being on the go, take time to slow down. Your children will appreciate that you’re focused on their happiness.

They don’t need a mountain of gifts to realize you still love them. Be patient with your children, your family and yourself. Celebrating the holidays after a tragedy is confusing and tainted with sorrow. Keep things simple so you and your family can enjoy the holidays without getting overwhelmed.

 

Make New Traditions

For years, your family has celebrated the holidays with certain family traditions. To help with the grieving process, ask your children if they want to change some of the holiday traditions.

Maybe you can celebrate at a grandparent’s house, take the kids to a movie or stay in your pajamas all day. Do you always make a special breakfast? Go out to eat this year.

If your divorced and the ex-spouse has the kids for Thanksgiving Day, consider celebrating with the kids the Saturday before Thanksgiving. Your kids may eventually enjoy celebrating the same holiday twice.

 

Do Fun Holiday Activities

Find fun holiday activities your kids will enjoy. Watch classic holiday movies as you cuddle together in front of the fireplace. Make snow angels, go ice skating, or whip up some hot cocoa and homemade cookies.

These activities may seem simple, but your kids will enjoy spending quality time with you and it may help ease the blues of not having both parents present.

 

Volunteer

Sometimes you can deflect your own grief if you spend time helping others. This is also true for your children.

Try volunteering at a soup kitchen, participating in a toy drive or visiting a nursing home to spend time with elderly people who may be lonely during the holidays. Seeing the joy that giving brings will boost your children’s self-esteem and increase your own joy during the holiday season.

Celebrating the holidays after a death or divorce isn’t just painful for you–it’s painful for your children. This is the time to reassure them that they’re still safe and loved.

It’s a time to create new holiday traditions as well as learn to explore creative ways of celebrating cherished holidays. While these weeks may be bittersweet, if you focus on making the celebrations simple but heartfelt, you can help your children deal with their grief and embrace the delight of the holidays.

 

Now it’s your turn. What ways have you survived the holidays alone? Share your suggestions with us in the comments.

 

 

GUEST BIO: Alexis Hall is a single mom to three kids. She created SingleParent.info to provide support and advice for the many families out there with only one parent in the household. She works as an in-home health nurse. When she isn’t working or spending time with her kids, she enjoys running and hiking and is currently training for a triathlon.

Speaking Engagement

In the first of four appearances in 2019, award-winning author/speaker Tez Brooks will appear at the Writers on the Rock Conference alongside best-selling authors Jerry Jenkins and Phillip Yancy. The conference is on Feb 23rd in Denver. Tickets are on sale now. Tez Brooks will be leading one of the clinics. He’s is an award-winning author and freelancer published in The Upper Room, CBN.com, Clubhouse, Focus on the Family, and Guideposts.

He will lead us in a session called, Polishing Your Book Proposal. Unsure of what to include in an industry-standard book proposal? Learn what your proposal should say and the homework you must do before submitting it to agents or publishers. Ensure it’s competitive and polished to stand out from the rest.

 

Praying for Your Prodigal

My 29-year-old son hasn’t spoken to us in almost four years.

The last time he communicated he made it clear he didn’t want any of us (me, his step-mom, his little sisters, his uncles/aunt or cousins) in his life. I won’t go into the bad choices he’s made nor the consequences he’s suffered. All I know is my heart is broken and I’m hurt. Both by how he’s living and how he’s treated us. 

We were once so close. Now, for some reason (maybe shame?) he refuses to give a valid reason for breaking off this relationship. So how do you pray for a child who you no longer know? When you have no idea where he is, where he works, or if he’s even alive? 

I just pray. I pray in generalities–for his health, his mental state, his relationships, and most of all I pray for his spiritual life. I ask God to steer him back to Christ. I pray dangerous prayers like, “Whatever it takes God, bring my son back to you.”

That’s the desperate prayer of a father who longs above all else to see his son walk upright. I long to see him in a deep relationship with his Creator. That’s how I raised him. 

You might have a prodigal. A son or daughter who has drifted from or refused to take part in the godly inheritance meant for them. How do you pray when you’ve run out of words–run out of energy?

Here’s a few points to jump-start your prayer for him or her:

          Dear Heavenly Father,

• God, transform me and my attitude. Take away any bitterness and grudges against my child so I can pray with a pure heart. Give me the strength to continue in this battle. When I’m tired and just plain sick of it, give me compassion and mercy. Not to be taken advantage of, but to mirror Christ’s love. Help me remember that speaking truth might be hard, but it doesn’t have to be harsh. 
• Lord use my son or daughter’s friends. Use even his/her questionable friends to speak truth into their life. Bring godly people into their life. Surround them with loving community. 
• Father if you must, let my child hit rock bottom. Cause them to see their desperate need for a Savior. Prevent people from enabling them or rescuing them too early. Allow my child to feel the reality of being at the end of the rope. 

Coming back to the Lord is a process, not an event. So don’t give up. Keep on praying. Keep believing. You never know what God will do. When you pray for a loved one who seems hardened against the Lord, or against you, pray that the eyes of their heart might be opened so that the light of God can come flooding in.

Do you have a prayer that has helped you cope as you await the return of your prodigal? Please share it with me. I need it this week. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One Single Dad’s Redemptive Journey

Many single parents were never married/divorced but for those who were, it comes with unique challenges especially for dads. Today’s post comes from a chat I had with my friend Chris Steenmeyer, Family Life Pastor at Mountain Springs Church in Colorado Springs.

TEZ: Chris thanks for being willing to talk about your life and maybe a little bit of advice for parents.

CHRIS: Thank you Tez, happy to share my story.

TEZ: I know our journeys are similar in some ways. Like me, before you remarried you were a single dad. How old were each of your kids at the time and what was it like that first year trying to parent alone?

CHRIS: Well, I was living in Hawaii at the time. The children were 5, 3, and 2 years old when my wife walked out on me. I suddenly had the kids every night and it was brutal—a mess! My ex watched them in the day while I was at work, but other than that, I was on my own.

TEZ: Assuming you were working a full-time job, how did you manage those evenings with three kids? 

CHRIS: My single brother helped from time to time. My church wasn’t very helpful because I was so new to that congregation. No one really knew me well enough to know I was alone or needed help. I really never looked for help because to be honest, I was angry at God for allowing me to go through this.

TEZ: That had to be tough. Especially when us guys are not prone to seek out help anyway…for anything.

Now, it would be presumptuous to assume everyone is called to re-marry. But for those who are, in my book, The Single Dad Detour, I mention the importance of dads waiting to remarry.

A lot of guys didn’t like my advice. It’s hard for men to be alone. But you waited quite a while. Tell us, was that intentional? What are the negatives and positives of that decision?

CHRIS: Tez, I was alone 8 years before I started dating Sarah, my current wife. I didn’t trust women, so I had no desire to date or remarry. I wasn’t ready financially either. I was broke and couldn’t support a woman. And spiritually ready? No way!  I probably would have fallen into sexual sin had I tried dating any earlier. I was a Christian, but I wasn’t walking with God and pursuing him. I was too mad at him.    

I’d say wait as long as it takes to work through forgiveness and all the other issues that set you back. Anytime a marriage is broken, there are wounds that need to heal. If you get romantically involved too soon, you’re still grieving the loss, regardless of who was at fault.

We need to walk through that, and it takes time. I’d say a good rule of thumb is until you stop saying anything negative about your ex, you’re not ready. Think about how many years there was disfunction in the relationship. That time is often a good gauge for how long it will take to recover and move on. We also need to factor how long it takes our kids to recover too. 

TEZ: Great advice Chris. On another topic, how did you reconcile your faith with your sex drive? After all, for years you’d been used to intimacy as a married man. Now suddenly, nothing. 

CHRIS: Wow, it just got real! Thanks for asking tough questions—single men need to hear this. 

I struggled with being in a relationship, I didn’t want one. So I didn’t go out looking for sexual satisfaction. Sadly, I did turn toward porn so that I didn’t have to invest in a relationship.  

Because I had no desire to be close to God. I didn’t repent immediately. But I dealt with lots of guilt. After I worked thru my anger and bitterness and I my heart was softened again toward the Lord, the first thing to leave was porn.  

TEZ: Thanks for your transparent honesty. It’s important to understand how a hard heart can lead you down roads that can really destroy us. What a great piece of truth for guys reading this interview. There’s so much shame with that sin and you just lifted all that into the light to remind us all that nothing is beyond Christ’s redemptive reach. I don’t mean to minimize porn’s effects, but we tend to give different sins varying degrees of awfulness but it’s just not that way with God.  

CHRIS: Yes, once the Holy Spirit was able to convict me of my sin, I saw what needed to change.

TEZ: Now, your new bride Sarah, had children of her own. Tell us about that. I’m sure it was no perfect Brady Bunch. What was it like blending your families and how did it affect your first few years of marriage?

CHRIS: First, we took our time dating, just to see what issues might come up. Blending families is complex. We had a ton of challenges at first. Our household cultures were different. My wife’s family had a way of doing things and certain ideals about what’s important… and so did we.  

We had a lot of tension between the kids and between us adults. I had 8 years of experience as a single dad which I unwittily expected them to embrace. That experience made me arrogant at times. 

I was also in children’s ministry, so I assumed a lot about kids in general. I forgot to look at my new step kids as individuals.  

One of the biggest adjustments was that her oldest son was younger than all my boys. So his position as oldest was gone—he was suddenly thrust into life as the baby of the tribe. 

TEZ: And now you have a beautiful little girl together and another on the way…do you find yourself parenting these younger ones differently now that you’re older?

CHRIS: Of course, my experience and age play into that. I’ve learned to slow down and enjoy the little moments. Chores, projects, and errands aren’t as important. I’m more patient with disobedience and with their poor choices. I don’t lose my temper as quickly and look at it as a teachable moment. 

TEZ: If you had one piece of advice or encouragement for single dads who are struggling today, what would you say? 

CHRIS: I’d say:

• Tough it out as best you can.
• Love your kids more than yourself.
• Take one day at a time.
• Biblically, don’t walk away from Jesus. Press into God more than ever.
• Make sure you have community to help you get out of your funk.
• Allow others to speak life into you.
• Look for someone further along in that journey who can encourage you.
• For society’s expectations, know your identity in Christ.
• Focus on measuring up to God’s standards, not the world’s. 

TEZ: You obviously have a heart for families, because it’s your full-time job as a Family Pastor. Where can people reach you if they need counseling or resources to aid them in this journey of single parenting? 

CHRIS: I don’t provide formal counseling, but I’m willing to talk with someone and do short-term mentoring. They can call the church office at (719)495-6688 and ask for me.  

TEZ: Chris, thanks again for taking time to share your story. Your testimony is an encouragement and blessing to me and I’m sure many others.

CHRIS: My pleasure. To God be the glory.

Christopher has a blended family of ten and longs to see transformation in the lives of himself and his family. He’s spent the last 9 years investing in a young generation that is being raised up to passionately follow Jesus. More and more he desires to see the worldwide Church come alongside families in a practical way that equips them to accomplish all God has for them. In his spare time, he loves sports and outdoor activities with his family.

 

Helicopter Parenting: Right or Wrong?

My youngest daughter was about three when she rode her first flying fox on a playground.

A flying fox is similar to a miniature zip line. It’s built on metal piping like monkey bars. Because it’s only five feet off the ground, rather than a harness, you just hang onto the handles and dangle as it glides you 20 feet from one end to the other. 

I lifted Anicah up so she could grab the handles, then gave her a little push. She giggled as her body soared through the air.

My plan was to race past her and be at the other end when she arrived. But I failed to determine how fast she’d be flying on those well-greased rollers.

 Before I could catch up to her, she reached the end of the line. When she hit and the handle bar stopped, the sheer speed of her forward momentum caused her body to continue.

The handles were ripped from her tiny grip and she went flying, landing hard on her back on the ground below.

I cradled Anicah, but the impact knocked the breath out of her. All she could do was gasp for air. It seemed like an eternity, but when she finally could take a breath, she bellowed out a cry of panic, pain, and betrayal.

I stayed on the ground with her for 20 minutes, whispering how sorry I was and how I’d never let anything like that happen again.

Ten years later, she continues to suffer from back pain and visits a chiropractor regularly. That incident was one of many making it hard for me NOT to hover.

I’d be a hot mess if I knew how often and how close I’ve come to losing my babies. I can try to keep them safe, but it’s impossible for me to be everywhere.

God is, and He does a much better job.

The essence of Psalm 91:11 is God directs angels to watch over and protect us. If I could remember that, I’d rest a lot easier.

God is present and his sovereignty has prepared me perfectly for my role as Dad. Eons ahead of time, God looked down through history and planned that I would be matched with all four of my children. So when I’m overwhelmed, or mess up, this gives me hope.

Still, I tend to fall back into feeling like I’m in this alone and parenting is all up to me and my wife. So I become hyper-protective and controlling.

It’s normal and instinctive to protect our child. Whatever protectiveness we might lack, we usually research or ask others about so we can do the job. Keeping our kids safe is for most people, a biological norm.

Sometimes a past trauma from our own childhood or even the evening news, causes us to over-protect. And for some of us, it’s hard to know where the line is between providing safety (noble) and removing inconvenience or disappointment from our child’s life (dumb).

Where is the balance? Are we setting up our emerging adults for success or failure? Share your thoughts in the comments.

 

 

 

Control Freak

 

I hate carpools. If I agree to share a ride to work, this means I give up control to some degree—especially if I’m not the driver.

After all, what if I want to grab a coffee at the drive-thru? What if I need to leave work early? There have been times when I decided to forgo the blessing of fellowship just so I could be the one in control.

At times I’m a control freak, or least I can be when I’m not moving in the power of the Holy Spirit. When I allow my Lord to take the wheel, things suddenly become much more organized and manageable.

Driving around town can be a lot like my life as a parent when the Lord is not in control. I encounter self-imposed stimuli like the radio, conversations with my six-year-old, the temperature in the car, the GPS chatting at me, my cup of coffee calling for my attention, and my smartphone ringing.

But there’s more. I also have outside complications. Aggressive drivers whip in and out of my lane. Traffic cones, school zones, and potholes mock me along with a million traffic signs, which I must immediately recognize by shape and color and then obey. Sometimes it’s even raining.

I have an ongoing battle with independence when parenting. Especially as a dad, I  tend to work out my problems on my own, without asking Jesus for help.

My family of origin taught me independence was a desirable trait to strive for. My childhood circumstances and most of my young-adult years reinforced this.

I learned I could not rely on people to help me in certain situations. This has at times hindered my dependence on God. I need to be deliberate in chasing after and killing my independence.

Without Christ I can do nothing. I might try to fix circumstances on my own. It might even work out okay. However, this isn’t biblical and it doesn’t reflect a heart of trust or reliance on God as I lead my family.

Taking the wheel from God is a huge mistake. Each time I try to move in my own skills—my know-how—what I’m basically saying is, “God, I don’t really believe You can help me. I can do it better.”

I finally learned that a life directed by God was the only way to succeed as a dad. This was the only way to be the man of God—the father—He wanted me to be.

Still, from time to time I want to take the wheel, or at least attempt some back-seat driving, trying to help the journey with a shortcut.

So… what triggers control issues in you in your daily parenting? In what ways have you tried to fix your family’s on your own?

Check it out!

I’m humbled to announce that this month I received an award from Writer’s Digest for an inspirational article “practicing the Habit of Forgiveness” which I wrote 10 years ago, but never published. Some readers, out of curiosity, wanted to read it. So if you’d like to see it, email me at tezwrites@gmail.com and I’ll send you the link.